Thursday, November 10, 2005

Checking In...

Hi Ladies!
Here is a great place to check in with whatever you would like to share or blog about! Take care! - Jacquelyn


Jamie said...

cool cool!
(I don't really have much to say right now!)

Jeanette said...

Jamie it was so great seeing you in group this week. I have missed you so much!

I am having a pretty good day. I am just so tired. I guess I am not as young as I used to be!!! In all honesty though, this recovery stuff takes lots of energy. It is mentally exhausting to try and win that battle in your mind all the time.

Hope everyone has a great day.

Jamie said...

hey Jeanette! it was really nice seeing you too! -it's so great to hear that you're doing better. I'm just so sorry that you have to go to the hospital every other day. That must be so miserable! I can't imagine...very sad...
You're right about the recovery process -it is VERY tiring. I just want to be able to have the energy to dance my best and concentrate in school. Sometimes I just want to give up on everything. I think of how stressful it is just to wake-up in the morning. I'm finding little reason to push through the day. Living feels like such an obligation. I wish that I could press the 'pause' button on my life until things stop being so chaotic. I know that things will eventually get better, I've just got to be persistent and stay patient.
Take care everyone!!!


"Often the test of courage is not to die but to live."
-Vittorio Alfieri

"We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same."
-Carlos Castaneda

Anonymous said...

Although I know I should be proud, I am anxious about this refeeding. Still haven't managed to get rid of the scale. Although I have not gained that much (so I'm told), I am really stuggling with body image. Hopefully this is mainly an issue of perception askew. Hope you all had a good weekend!

Jeanette said...

Linda....keep up the good work. You have come so far. Don't look at the whole picture because that is very overwhelming. Look at the little things you accomplish everyday like eating a meal or sitting down with your kids for a snack. You are making great strides. Celebrate the small stuff and before you know it you will have the big stuff down too!!

Jamie....I can totally understand that feeling. Sometimes I think getting up to go to the bathroom is a chore. But it does get easier. I think what has helped me make it easier was a change in attitude. I really have worked on being more positive and optimistic and therefore this does not seem as much like a chore as it had before.

I challenge everyone to look at your thoughts daily. Are they helping your recovery or hurting it? Some of my thoughts were not helpful to my recovery so I had to change them. Once I changed my thoughts it was easier for the behavior to follow.

Just a thought.


Jamie said...

Great advice, Jeanette!!! It is so nice to hear your postive words! I'm glad that you are thinking such great thoughts. You seem to be making wonderful progress! I'm so proud of you (-haha I know that sounds wierd coming from a 16 year old. (almost 17, Nov. 28th=birthday!!!! yayaayayay!))

Linda, it is natural to feel anxious during refeeding. I hope you realize that you too are making amazing progress. It makes me so happy to hear in group about your little victories towards recovery. Just know that you are worth overcoming this disease. Your children are incredibly lucky to have such an amazing and TALENTED mother!! (-Your artwork is great!) Keep up the great work!!!

So what do I have to say about myself?? some ways I'm doing a little worse (whoops!). I was actually doing amazingly better for a few days, but its now taking a sharp turn towards the worse. O well, tomorrow is another day! I just get easily scared into fasting/restricting/over-exercising/etc. whenever I try to improve. -but I guess that is a normal reaction to recovery. Maybe things will get better after my Dec. 4th ballet recital. (I'm desperately trying to lose weight for that, even though it may be extremely dertimental to my health. haha...)

TAKE CARE EVERYONE!!!!-You are all in my thoughts everyday!! Best of wishes!!!

Jeanette said...

Jamie...think how much better your dance might be if you were healthier. I guess what I mean by that is that when I am taking care of myself I feel so much more alive. This feeling creates a renewed sense of life which thus increases my passion towards everything I am doing. Think how much more passionate and "alive" your dance might be if you were taking care of yourself. It is so hard to have passion in anything we do (except our ED) when we are practicing our ED behaviors.

I know in my life even things like simple walks, where I am not trying to kill myself, you know the walks where you are just enjoy nature and being outside and happy you are alive.....are a thousand times more enjoyable!

My recovery is not perfect by any stretch of the imagination....but I know I am trying the best I can for today and that is good enough! When I let off some of the pressure that I had to have a perfect recovery and that I was not allowed to slip and fall, it made life much easier and it even made recovery easier. I will never have a perfect recovery...but I can have the best recovery that is possible today!!!


Ashlee78 said...

I have to tell you.. You remind me soo much of myself when I was your age. It's scary to know there might be two of me! lol. I just wanted to share something with you for whatever its worth. I know it may or may not mean something to you but its worth a shot. I was a lot like you. I excelled in school, cheerleading,dancing, acting, was in a special performing arts school, etc. I was just not happy or satisfied with myself or my body. I was first introduced into eating disorders during my sophomore year of high school. I found I excelled at this more than anything== major accomplishment. Ha! Anyways, I took my ED with me to college. I went to numerous nutritionists and went to therpay on a regular basis. I broke contract after contract with my therapist. Gradually I got worse.. My health failed and I lost everything I was good at.. It was awful. I just THOUGHT I had it bad.. Sorry for this being so long but there is a point- lol. I had dreams of being a professional dancer and actress. I just never thought I was thin or good enough. I was eventually escorted off campus in college by the police and was kicked out of college. I was taken to a nearby hospital for refeeding and then to a treatment center 2 weeks later. I don't want this to happen to you. It's soo not worth it. I have never been the same since and I was soo embarassed. (Still am) All my friends saw me being taken away and it was awful. My dreams were shattered for many years. It is hard to get back involved in things when you are FORCED to take a sebatacle in life. I REGRET this big time. This happened to me over 6 years ago. I have been in recovery since then. I just want to tell you that IT'S not worth it. I remember saying. Oh, this can NEVER happen to me. Or,, I can't ever be that thin. There was a part of me (in a sick way) that WANTED to be in the hospital. I just regret it and wish I could go back to when I was 16 and wish someone would of shared this with me. I know you will do what you want but I hope this helps you some or others for that matter. It is just NOT worth it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Life is way too short to obsess over a silly thing like food..

Jamie said...

I know you are absolutely correct about needing the energy to do well in dance. The strange thing is, that I do better alot of times when I've been fasting. I feel so raw and on top of the world. I numb out the negativty in my life. I escape...I distract. Things feel better when I restrict. The past two days, I've been cosentrating great in school on absolutely no food. I know it is terrible, but things get better when I do this. The only bad thing is, is that I keep falling in dance. My ankles have been getting really weak. Is that probably from food-deprivation? The rest of my body is just as strong as it has been -its just my ankles. Or maybe it feels like its my ankles, but in reality I'm dizzy and my electolytes are all out of whack. Who knows...I just hope that I don't fall and shatter all of my bones. I'm not sure what my bone density is like...hmmm that is a bit scary... haha!

Great words of wisdom again, Jeanette. I can already tell how much better your thoughts and brain are fuctioning from your great work towards recovery!!!

Alright, I've got to go write an essay now for english! Talk to you all later!!!
by the way, Carla just said something very amusing to me. I'll quote her :
"...scales ARE for fish."
-sorry, that just craked me up. Good comic releif. Ooo that would be kind of fun! -To make a fish sculpure out of a scale. haha fun!

Jeanette said...

Jamie I have said everything that you have said and so much more. I had a 4.0 in college practicing my ED the whole time. I went through several years of graduate school so malnurished it was not even funny. I had the grades and everything was working great.....except I was miserable. Yeah school was great, my social life was great, blah blah blah....but inside I was hurting and miserable and thought if I just kept using my ED it would numb out all the pain I felt. But in the end it has not worked. All the pain is still there. The only way to deal with that pain and hurt we all feel is to deal with it head-on and not use negative coping skills to mask those feelings for a short time. I know in my life, I regret using my eating disorder for so long. I think about that every other night when I am sitting there in the hospital hooked up to the IV. If I would have listened to people when I was younger and if I would have worked through some of my pain instead of running from it....then I would not be in all the pain I am in today. See the thing about pain is that it just grows exponentially if it is not dealt with. You still have all your old pain and then your adding new pains and hurts to it daily. I am not saying it is easy by any means. In fact, I am sure it is not. But I know running from it is no longer the answer. I need to face it and deal with it so that it does not have all that power over me.

ok.....this was probably way too long.....but wow I feel better saying it all and looking at it on paper.

Sorry if I got too long-winded.


Anonymous said...

Please keep your posts HONEST, GENUINE, and PRO-RECOVERY. Consider emailing people directly if you cannot do this. Thanks!

Anonymous said...

I agree.. Some things that have been said on here recently are really inappropriate and possibly triggering to others.. Remember.. PRO-RECOVERY!!!!