Monday, June 20, 2005

Self Esteem & Identity...

Hello Ladies! Here's an interesting question: What is your self esteem based on? What determines your sense of self worth?

Katie - I hope you had a good birthday despite it all....I know this is a difficult transitional point in your life and I appreciate your honesty and candidness...I can understand the feelings you express and I feel privileged to glimpse your beautiful soul....pain sucks.......expressing it helps......go for it...or as our beloved Dr. C says....."Let er rip!".

Jamie - I hope you are hanging in there with all this ambiguity about your plans...on and off again...it must be tough! I am glad that you are following the advice of the medical experts...we need you here, alive, in this world to bless us all with your many talents and gifts....vivaciousness, ballet, sensitive & caring person, etc...

Meg - thanks for posing again...looks like you are getting the gist of it...I hope this is an exciting time for you, preparing to go back to school and all...you have come so far...you are an inspiration to us....I am so glad you are in the group...

Amanda - we are going to miss you on Wednesday nights....I am glad that you are pursuing recovery so diligently....you are a great example of commitment and perseverence. I hope you will continue to blog and update us all regularly.

5 comments:

eating disorder hope said...

Jamie -
Hi, I forgot to say that yes you can buy a bracelet with cash at group on wednesday night...
Aren't they cool? I love the design!
Jacquelyn

Jamie said...

ooo yeah they are cool! yay!
ok so I had my stress test today -except not really... heres the story...:
ok, so I went into the office and they 1st weighed me. then afterwards they were like 'ok Shelley (the nurse practicioner) wants to bring your dad in and talk to the both of you". I knew that something was up because I was suppose to do the stress test -not have a meeting with Shelley... So, shelley then came in and said immediately "so tell me jamie, why are you losing more weight?!?" i was like "huh? - i didnt know that i was..." she was like "you didnt!?..well you lost X lbs. since I last saw you 5 days ago - have you been exercising??" I was like "well X lbs. isn't that bad for 5 days.. well and yeah my dad gave me permission to exercise... I thought that it was ok..." she started getting mad/concerned and was like "jamie! that is really drastic weight loss and especially since youre already small...blah blah blah... you're not suppose to be exercising and now I can't put you on that treadmill without worrying about how this might affect your health and your heart...and you don't realize how serious this disease is etc. you could die etc. and live with this for the rest of your life stc etc etc" (as if I didn't already know the consequences of what im doing to myself.) she was like "why are you smiling?! this isnt funny. this isnt a game, you know. this is really serious and you need to stop etc. you need to get on a set meal plan from Emily or someone. You need your health" I was like "i know this isn't a game -i dont think its funny. sorry, but when i get uncomfortable i just smile and act like everything is ok to distract myself...it is hard for me to actually believe that something is really wrong with me" ... well, she then told me that i had high cholestral (which is normal for people who don't eat enough) and my bone density is abnormal or whatever. I got the bone density numbers, but I have no idea what they mean.these are the #s:
1.) normal #-1.01, and I'm .94
2.) normal #-.86, and I'm .79.
^^^WHAT DOES THAT MEAN???^^^
anywho...
She told me that she wouldn't allow me to do the stress test until I gained back the 2 lbs. and I was being more a more healthy eater.

So my dad started lecturing me in the car on the way home on how selfish I am being for doing all of this to myself...as if I was doing all of this on purpose. He was saying how I'm going to be under his control and he is going to start watching me like a hawk when I eat etc...but he doesn't realize that I'm not going to get better if he forces it -that will just make me rebel more....He doesn't understand how much harder and harder and harder it is getting to eat...the more that I'm suppose to eat, the less that I can...and the more that they enforce the need for food -the less I can accept it. It is like what I was telling Katie last night, "the safe foods arn't even safe anymore..." -and that is so true...things are getting worse, but I'm still not convinced that I'm that 'sick'..I don't feel like I really have a reason to change...hmmm I don't know what to think...I really don't believe that I have a problem, yet I'm still posting and going to group and seeing doctors...lol.
hmm...Shelley seemed really concerned, but I just feel like she is over reacting...
*~Jamie~*

Jamie said...

O! sorry!! I forgot to answer the question!
ok, so self esteem...hmm I have a really high self-esteem...I guess just wearing cute outfits and doing my hair and make-up improve my self esteem...(along with losing weight...whoops!) -and of course ballet and exercise! tehe... and helping other people, and giving them advice...I don't know... lol

Katie said...

self esteem? honestly, i don't know on what i base mine...i am not even sure i have any at all, but i know i must...i suppose it should be based on things that really matter, like accomplishments that take effort, or working hard at something, or having a goal and pursuing it, but i really don't know. hmmm...i think ideally those are the types of things that should give someone self-esteem, things that originate from within, and i think part of my problem is that i had an external source of self-esteem for far too long...it's a hard habit to break...i think it is such an important topic though. what do i value? kindness, compassion, helping others, contributing to the greater good, passion, diligence, intelligence...self-control. interesting that what seems to be providing me the most comfort now is related to only one of those...

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